Oil Spill, fiction, humor, federal government, golf

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The Press is reporting on a brand new strategy to stop the disastrous oil spill and it includes lowering golf balls down to the leak to try to stop it. Actually the robot is going to throw them down on the leak once it gets in the correct position.

I don't know, I think of golf balls as pretty small. I've unravelled a few and they are wound up like rubber band inside so maybe the rationale is those rubber bands will catch the oil. It's just , when you think about it, there has to be something larger than golf balls that would work.

Maybe it would take every golf ball in America and the troops will come around and demand to search our house for them. How else are they going to get so many? Some will give theirs up willingly and the pinheads will store them away in a secret closet. Of course first there would be an investigation so the government could target golfers. They certainly wouldn't have to search every single living space in America. Too bad they didn't add it to the census survey, since they asked just about everything else.

My father collected golf balls because he was a golf freak.  He collected them for about 60 years, and since he was the breadwinner in the family and was doing quite well, he could pretty much buy whatever he wanted. Who was going to stop him? Especially about something so inconsequential? Dad   always played with new golf balls. So you can't even imagine how many of the ones used once we have in the attic. In fact, that's all we have in the attic.

I've never seen someone so obsessed with a sport in my life. Dad played golf videos constantly and every time you saw him standing he was practicing his swing. He'd go to the driving range for 3 hours after playing 18 holes. This was worrisome by the time he was in his 80"s.  He had a putting green in his den, every golf video known to man by by his desk with one playing at all times on slow so he could mimic the swing, with headphones on so he had no interruptions, even when Mom gave a huge party for their 50th anniversary and all the other guests were be sitting down to dinner. I thought she would divorce him after that, but she careened into the Potomac River the next day in his brand new car and lived, so they were even.

 All that practice paid off -- in Dad's prime his handicap was a two. Our house was filled with beautiful silver and gold trophies and every month my brothers would haul the golf balls up into the attic. This drove my mother insane.  But she put up with it - like married couples need to do. She was having a great time so why would she care? She simply never went up into the attic. I can't fathom how many are up there, because the last time I opened up the latch about a hundred of them spilled onto my face and nearly knocked me off the ladder.

Therefore, this new effort to seal the leak is of grave importance to me.

Should I call the White House and offer to donate them? Be some kind of hero? I bet my father would do that. But I can't ask him, which AGAIN reminds me of the worst commercial ever made: Tiger being lectured by his dead father. I am certainly not going to try that, since he would find something to lecture me on, too.

Unfortunately he died sneaking out to the golf course right when he was supposed to get ready for Father's Day dinner. My brothers and I had no doubt about his order of priorities: Mom (married 63 ). years),  golf, his airplane and cars, his gadgets like the robot golf caddy, work, and then his children.

The other choice is now that the golf balls will be in the Gulf (clever) I could hoard them and sell them for millions! Most golfers not all but most have money and it's summer and time to escape and go play 18 with the boys and all their golf balls are gone because some horrible companies, who point the blame at eachother , caused a monstrous oil leak? Golfers LOVE golf! Everyone is going to be very cranky.

 Its funny how golfers have so many different styles: some go to get aways from their wives and girlfriends, others to get drunk in peace, and some go to play golf.

If I really thought this solution would work, then I suppose Dad's collection would have to go. Golf will become extinct anyway. Tiger was the most interesting to watch by far according to all the surveys and he's toast. And it's really difficult to play golf with a golf ball shortage. If you are a bad player and lose them on the course, forget about it. It is going to be a sticky situation. If you have money woes at all, you' won't be playing this year because my estimation is that they will go for $1000 a piece. Because if the federal government controls this effort like everything, there won't be a golf ball left in America.

Personally, although my parent's house is on golf course (Dad) I won't care. My father made me go practice as a kid all the time  until I sliced one right into his temple. You'd think I'd killed him, the way he reacted.



No. I am going to sell them and save the money for my kids. I figure they'll be worth as much as gold. And with China owning us in ten years with all our debt, I'll let them be the heroes and donate the money.